Movie Mash: Elysium & We’re The Millers

Dear Loyal Readers:

Due to the Labor Day Weekend Festivities, our Breaking Bad weekly review will be moved to this Wednesday, the 4th. Much apologies for the inconvenience, but now might be a good time for a refresher.

Not enough? Who am I kidding – It never is. Here’s a little sum’n sum’n to hold you over.


A future cyborg drug-dealer and his farcical family embark on an adventure to smuggle marijuana from a utopian civilization known as Elysium.

Why we went

This was one of those instances where location was key. Now, I was only half-interested in these two, but after re-watching both trailers a few times, I got a general idea of what was going on.

Why it worked

So here we go. Its 2154. Matt Damon is a lowly small-time pot-dealer who is battered and robbed by dirty robocops. Ed Helms, his orca-rich drug kingpin boss, is none too happy with the lost profit, and finds the perfect punishment for his delinquent employee. His plan: send Matt on a comically high-level drug deal to Elysium, a utopian world above a world identified as such for its plentiful drug supply. So basically he’s going from Badger to Gus in a day.

Now, Matt’s not in the greatest shape. His bones are brittle and his morale is shot. You would be too if all officers were robots and you had to walk on a dirt road to get to work everyday. But Ed Helms has just the thing to brighten things up for Matt – a robot suit! How very inconspicuous. Did Ed mention this was a covert mission?

That may change the game, but this underachieving drug mule is no quitter! How to blend in? Well, a big coat for one. And I’ve always had a crush on my stripper neighbor (Jennifer Aniston), so she can play my wife. What’s that, annoying kid Kenny who always tries to make conversation in the foyer? Sure, you can come to.

Meanwhile, in Elysium, Jodie Foster is like a big deal or whatever. I know, I know, but just stay with me here. Its a different world. I mean, I guess if she wore all white and sported that haircut in RL, we might find her a bit more.. erm, “intimidating.” Though she does do that nervous squirrel thing all the time. I admit, Tilda Swinton would have been a better villain, but its a moot point. Focus, guys.

Anyway, she’s pissed about people crossing the border all the time. Its seriously a problem. So like any responsible government official would, she pays a dude under the table to do her dirty work. The dude from District 9, to be exact. The guy’s ruthless and armed to the teeth and he’s onto the family’s little scheme. Not to mention he hated Promised Land. Needless to say, this shit’s personal.

The whole naive family on vacation schtick runs smoothly at first. Then they meet a human/prawn couple vacationing in their space RV. Remember prawns? Those vaguely anthropomorphic crustaceous space-folk from District 9? Well, they’re back and now they have a mixed race baby. Because in 2154, ANYTHING goes. That, and our friend Kenny doesn’t leave the house much. So when he gets a “vibe” from daughter Prawnica, well by golly, he goes for it.

He wants her bad. But its not that easy. How does I kiss her? The half-stupid sexually stilted 18 year old asks? Cue the opportunity for an especially tasteless incest-suggestive make-out sesh between Ms. Aniston and her “son.” The audience may have laughed heartily, but I for one was GROSSED OUT.

Later, after a few inconsequential plot points, Kenny gets bit by a spider. Where? On his manjigglies, of course. Audience loves it. We get a gratuitous close-up of a boy’s nut and my freshly made nachos gurgle restlessly in my belly.

When the laughter fades, we realize that Kenny’s in serious need of medical attention. Luckily, Elysium is equipped with these weird MRI scanner things that eliminate all sickness, so the crew heads for Jodie Foster’s house. I think. Who knows. They all look exactly alike. Its a future thing.

Once inside, Jennifer Aniston distracts Jodie with a striptease while Matt heals Kenny. Then Matt figures out a way to share drugs with everyone on earth when he infiltrates Elysium’s computer network. The catch? Manipulating the glitch will ultimately kill him. Since Jen and Jodie seem to be hittin’ it off, he takes the plunge.

BAM! All of Earth is engulfed in a haze of Mary Jane. Peace prevails, and Jodifer live happily ever after with several gay-not-gay babies in P-town. Which is the only place left on earth untouched by famine or poverty. Because who would even bother going all that way?


Bottom Line

They were a’ight.


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